Towards Self Improvement Mastery
I think it would be fair to say that in certain situations we all have a tendency to take things personally. It's just that some of us have a greater tendency than others to do so. And, when that happens, some of us are better able to deal with it within ourselves than others are.
Taking things personally is never healthy in any relationship: employer-employee, friend-friend, husband-wife, partner-partner, parent-child, and for a number of reasons. One major reason is that, if you do tend to take things personally, then your feelings will continually be at the mercy of others – whether they attacked you personally or not. To surrender self control to someone else is a weakness, in a way it reflects a lack of self respect and it is no way to live!
If you are someone who tends to take things people say or do personally, then as our first steps towards Self Improvement Mastery I want to share with you a method I have used and have found really helpful. It involves understanding why people sometimes do what they do and accepting that often what and why they do has nothing at all to do with us and therefore, there is reason to take it personally.
There are two relationship principles in play here:
Relationship Principle one:
People sometimes are selfish. This principle may sound cynical but bear with me. It is an undeniable fact that in given circumstances most of us, bar the highest of spiritual thinkers have selfish tendencies. However, some of us are more selfish than others. And some of us can become selfish given the right circumstances.
By understanding and accepting that people are sometimes selfish, we then understand that these people:
- will think only in terms of what is best for them,
- will see things only from their own point of view,
- will want to be right about everything,
– will want to have things their way all the time,
– will not think about how what they do affects others,
– and so on . . .
See the reasoning here? The thoughts are very self centred; there is no concern at all for the other person. It is a selfish mindset.
Consequently, these people do what they do for no other reason than they are motivated by selfishness! And if they are motivated solely by selfishness, there is no reason why we should take personally what they do and say. The action has nothing at all to do with us. In fact, your view should simply be that the person has demonstrated just how selfish they are.
For example, if someone cuts you when you are driving; don't take it personally and react emotionally. Just tell yourself, "this person has just shown me how selfish they are by cutting me off . . . it is nothing personal!" I will take the sensible ground and just let it go. You are on the road to mastering Self Improvement
Relationship Principle Two:
People always have a reason for doing what they do. This principle is one that I learnt about people a long time ago. Now this does not mean that people are always right about what they do. Nor does it mean that they should always be excused for their action. Importantly it does not mean that the person always knows why they did what they did. There is nevertheless always a reason!
Here are some reasons that MIGHT cause people to do what they sometimes do (perhaps you can think of others):
– past unmet needs,
– current needs,
– current wants,
– past unresolved issues or conflicts,
– past hurts,
– current fears,
– current hang ups,
– ulterior motives or hidden agendas,
– current insecurities,
– past decisions,
– ego issues,
– personality disorders such as: narcissism tendencies, ADHD, ADD, Lack of.. and so on . . .
Consequently, sometimes people will do what they do simply because they are motivated by who they are, their personality and the "baggage" they carry! And, if they are motivated by such things; it is and should remain their problem. There is no reason to take the words or actions personally. Doing so doesn’t change the fact and doesn’t change the person. Their actions have shown you that they behave as they do simply because they "have issues". Nothing to do with us and therefore nothing personal so commit now never to become their victim by taking it personally!
For example, I know a 12-year old boy who once told his step-mother "I love you" only to be given the reply "Yeah, well you have a funny way of showing it!" Needless to say the boy was deeply hurt by the reply (and understandably so). The way to help that boy is to help him understand that, even though the step-mother's comment sounded like a personal attack on him, the reply really revealed that the step-mother is a person with some issues to resolve and there was nothing personal in the reply.
In conclusion, not taking personally things people say and do is to firstly understand and accept that sometimes people are selfish and/or they "have personal unresolved issues", and that the behaviour most often has nothing at all to do with us. You simply turn the situation around by understanding that the behaviour betrays who they really are. This helps you shift the focus from you (which is why you take things personally) and places it on them where it rightfully belongs.
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